


Closing the Distance

by thatwriterlady



Series: 30 Day Writing Challenge 2016 [25]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 30 Day Writing Challenge 2016, Castiel Has Kids, Childhood, Confessing Feelings, Dean and Cas meet as kids, Desperate for Attention, Divorced Castiel, Emotions, F/M, Finding One Another Again, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay Characters, Heartache, Innocent Dean, Losing Touch, Love, M/M, Moody Castiel, No One Dies or Attempts It Though, Previous mentioned relationships for Dean and Castiel, Single Parents, Snarky Castiel, Troubled Castiel, childhood neglect, happiness, mention of depression, mention of suicide, personal angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-09 04:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8876398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatwriterlady/pseuds/thatwriterlady
Summary: Dean is just a few short months away from turning 5 when he is first introduced to Cas.  Cas just turned 9 and thinks nothing of bossing Dean around.  Despite their age difference, they become friends.  So when Cas and his mother move halfway across the country, Dean takes it very hard.  It's hard to maintain a friendship with someone that doesn't make the effort in return.  
The boys grow, they change, and eventually they do make it back to one another.  But time has changed them both.  Will they find that connection again?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so wifi has been very limited lately, plus I've been really busy, but I haven't stopped doing the stories for this challenge. Here is Day 25 for you.
> 
> Let me start by saying, I based Dean's character a bit on me when I was little. My mother was a single mom though, since before I was born, and I have no siblings. That's the one big difference. I did have a friend, the daughter of a friend of my mom's that also worked at the university, and her daughter did pretty much all the things Cas does here to Dean, to me. Her favorite thing to do was to ditch me. As a child I had severe separation anxiety, so you can imagine what ditching me in an empty classroom a building over from where my mom was working in the mailroom did to me. But I learned to memorize the entire campus layout, and it didn't take me long to figure out how to find my way back down to my mom. Her name was Bridget, and she was 4 years older than me, except she was an only child like me. She still thought she was hot shit because she was older and "more mature". I thought she was a dick, lol. Still, we hung out most summers when we both tagged along to work with our moms. Then her mom got a job in California and the moved away. I didn't see or hear from them again until I was maybe 18, when Bridget's mom came home. She'd met a man, gotten married, had twins, and he'd left her, so she came back to Chicago with the babies. Bridget was, I think 16 when she had the twins. I have not seen Bridget since I was about 9. No, there was no romance. I wrote that part in. I just like to write what I know, and Bridget was a little shit to me, lol. So...I carried that over into Cas' personality. Bridget is happily married, living in California still, with 3 children. I was getting updates for a while through my mom who was still in contact with her mom, but I don't think I've heard anything in a few years. We didn't stay in touch. 
> 
> The facts though, about wandering the university campus, those are all accurate. I knew the entire school from top to bottom, every building, every hallway, and I wandered them all confidently for several decades. I went to school there myself, but only for a year before I left to join the army. We're not going to talk about that though, lol.
> 
> I like lending a bit of realism to what I write, so the university I based this on is Northeastern Illinois University. It's on St. Louis St. in Chicago. My mom was a nurses aide before getting in at the university in the mailroom. She worked there for 28 years before she retired. I did eventually go back to college, but a different one, and I got a degree in Business Administration. I have some fond memories though of playing with Bridget and other kids of people that worked at the university.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this story.

**se·duc·tion**  
səˈdəkSH(ə)n/  
noun  
the action of seducing someone.  
"if seduction doesn't work, she can play on his sympathy"  
a tempting or attractive thing.  
"the seductions of the mainland" 

 

 

**_Day 25: Trying to Seduce One Another_ **

****

I was 4, almost 5 when I met Cas.  Stupid, jerk that he was.  He was 9 and thought himself to be far superior to me.  Frankly, at 4, I thought he was too.  I quickly learned better though.  He was a bully, a prankster, and I was an easy target. 

 

It all started when my mom got a new job at a university.  My dad, after a long stint in the Marines came out a changed man.  He wasn’t the fun, loving father that I have the vaguest memories of.  The easiest way to describe him is to say he always seemed to be spooked.  A slamming door would make him jump, a baby (my little brother Sammy) suddenly crying would make his heartbeat suddenly increase.  He would get this haunted look in his eyes before disappearing into the room he and my mother shared and not coming out again.  Sometimes he’d be in there for a few hours, sometimes for a few days.  It was later described to me as PTSD.  At 4 though, my mom just told me that he had seen some bad things, but not _what_ those bad things were.  It wasn’t until years later, after my father battled years of alcoholism and drifted in and out of psych wards that I finally learned the truth.  I gained a new understanding about my father, and everything he endured.

 

So basically, after my father was discharged from the military, he was unable to hold down a job.  He would tinker around under the hood of his car or sit in the living room drinking beer and watching whatever game was on, but as for going out and supporting his family?  It wasn’t happening.  And so my mom, who had been struggling to support my baby brother and myself on a nurse’s aide salary and my dad’s pension, which he was steadily drinking away, decided a career change was in order.  She got a job with the state, working at a university in the heart of Chicago making almost double what she had made at the hospital, which really wasn’t very much at all.  But it helped to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, and that was what she needed most at that time.

 

So my dad came home in March, 2 months after my 4th birthday and my mom took on the job at the university that September.  One of the perks of her job was that she worked with an awesome bunch of people down in the basement, in the mailroom, and if I behaved, I was allowed to tag along.  Our routine became one where I would get out of the on campus preschool just in time for her to take her lunch.  She would come to pick me up and bring me to the university with her until the end of her workday at 4.  I charmed her coworkers and they all loved to spend time with me when I was there.  One of the jobs of the mailroom, besides sorting out the mail for the various departments, was to deliver it to said departments.  Everyone had their own route, and my favorite thing to do was ride on the front of my mom’s cart during her afternoon deliveries.  I was a gregarious child, waving and smiling at everyone we met.  I learned quickly who would give me treats, who would give me a $1 and tell me to go down to the cafeteria and get an ice cream, and who would play with me.  Sometimes it was just me showing off whatever toy I had brought that day, sometimes it was a minute or two of tossing a ball back and forth while my mom handed the mail to the various people in that department.  I knew names, I knew faces, and I learned who I could and could not trust.  At the same time my mother was making friends too. 

 

There was Ellen in student teaching.  She had a baby at home, a little girl named Joanna, and later, when Jo was old enough, she and my brother Sam would tear around, playing tag, hide and go seek, cops and robbers, or whatever other games came to mind.  I have almost 4 years up on my little brother though, so I didn’t really play too much with Jo.  But I loved Ellen to pieces.  She very quickly became like a beloved aunt to me, and she was one of my mother’s best friends. 

 

There was Jody in security who liked to tease me that she would arrest me if I misbehaved, but I soon learned she was just messing around.  I adored the woman.  There was Patty in Accounting, an intimidating lady upon first meeting her, but with a heart of gold, June in Liberal Arts who always told me how handsome I was, and how I was going to grow up to steal hearts, Stacy in Computer Sciences who slipped me a $1 a few times a week and told me to go get an ice cream or a cookie, Denise in Humanities who kept kids’ books in her office for her grandchildren that came to visit, Naomi in Psychology who would sometimes toss around a soft ball with me…really, the list just goes on and on.  My mom was a friendly woman and people were drawn to her.  I’ve been told that I’m a lot like my mother in that aspect.  I take it as a compliment.

 

Sometimes I had a bad habit of getting underfoot.  It was a different time back then, and I didn’t have a helicopter mother who didn’t let me out of her sight.  Sometimes I rode on the cart with her coworkers to deliver mail to other buildings on campus, and it was this way that I became familiar with the layout.  But really, there was on specific person responsible for my learning the campus buildings as well as I did.  Castiel Novak, Naomi’s youngest son.

 

See, I would get bored sometimes and my mom was loathe to leave me or my brother at home with my drunk father.  Since my brother was too little to tag along yet to my mom’s job, he stayed all day at the daycare, but me, I went to school and then I went to the university with my mom.  I had a cache of toys that stayed in a corner of the backroom near the mailroom where I could sit and play for hours, but sometimes that wasn’t enough.  Cue the introduction to other kids of university employees. 

 

I met Cassie first.  Her dad worked with my mom in the mailroom and I absolutely adored her father Martin.  He was so nice and listened to me talk about superheroes, cartoons, whatever I was learning in school at that time, and he encouraged me to dream big.  He was divorced from his wife and sometimes he would have Cassie.  She was a year younger than me but we would play for hours and having someone to play with was infinitely better than playing by myself.

 

I only say Cassie on occasion though.  That was how I met Cas.  His mother Naomi would bring him to work with her, usually during school breaks or in the summers, but often times he was dropped off by her estranged husband or one of her older children because no one wanted to watch him.  He was 4 years older than me and boy did he lord that over me right from the first moment we met.  That first time Naomi called my mother to ask if I was there, it was a Friday.  Cas was driving his mother batty.  He wouldn’t sit still for her and she was afraid her boss would complain.  Her other kids were all 14 or older and off doing their own things, and Cas was a bit of a troublemaker, so he couldn’t be left at home to his own devises.  Of course my mom didn’t know how Cas was.  Naomi was so sweet and friendly, there was no way to guess that her children were almost the polar opposite of her.  To his credit, Cas was the most mild mannered of all of her kids.  He was quiet until he got to know someone, and we were first introduced when Cas was brought down to the mailroom by his mother.  Naomi was thoroughly exasperated and so very grateful that my mother had said it was ok that he came down to play with me.  Of course, no one asked _me_ if I wanted to play with a new kid. 

 

I remember that meeting well.  Cas stood next to his mom pointedly ignoring me as he listened to his mother and my mother talking.  I, on the other hand, stared.  Hard.  Cas was way taller than me, with big blue eyes and messy, dark hair.  He wore a sweater that was way too big for him and black, corduroy pants.  His sneakers were scuffed but drew my attention because The Hulk was on them.  I wanted to ask him where he got them, but he wouldn’t give me an ounce of attention.  Then Naomi was speaking directly to her son.

 

“You behave yourself, you hear?  And be nice to Dean here.  He’s a very nice little boy.  None of your shenanigans.  If you start pulling stunts like Gabe I’m going to let your dad deal with you later.  You won’t like that.”

 

I had so many questions.  What was a shenanigan, and why did he have them?  Who was Gabe and why did they like to pull stunts?  Was it Evil Kenevil type stunts?  But then Naomi was leaving.  My mom ruffled my hair before pointing us in the direction of my box of toys.

 

“Dean has toys in there that you can play with.  Be good.” 

 

And then she was walking back into the mailroom and leaving us alone.

 

“I have superheroes.”  I said.  Finally those blue eyes fell on me.  There was boredom in them.

 

“Yeah?  Which one is your favorite?”

 

I felt this need to impress this older boy, to make him like me, but I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that.

 

“B-batman.”  I started walking to my box and he followed.

 

“I like He-Man.”  He said as I knelt down and began pulling toys out.  I didn’t think He-Man was a superhero, but I didn’t get a chance to say that.  He spotted my He-Man toys and immediately grabbed for them.  “Cool!”

 

“I play with that.”  I wanted my toys back but he held them out of reach.

 

“You want me to play with you, right?”  He asked.  I guessed that I did, so I nodded.  “Then you let me play with He-Man cause I’m older.  You got lots of other toys to play with.  Come on, let’s do a battle!”

 

“A battle?  Like make them fight?”  I was excited about that.  He nodded and began looking around at the shelves full of supplies. 

 

“We can make them jump off there.”

 

I listened, fascinated by his ideas.  Frankly, whatever he suggested, I was helpless not to be a part of.  He was older, more dominant, and I just wanted an older kid to like me.  Only God himself knew the path that was going to lead me down.

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

That first afternoon together wasn’t so bad.  Cas was bossy, took all the good toys, kept telling me what to do, and getting downright pissy when I refused to follow his orders.  But we played until his mother came down to get him.  I saw him again 2 weeks later when Christmas break came and Naomi brought him in to work with her.  We alternated between playing up by her office or down by the mailroom.  I very quickly learned that if we were going to play, it was going to be on _my_ turf.  

 

Cas thought it was fun to explore the empty classrooms.  We’d been warned to be quiet when classes were in session, and for the most part, we did obey that rule, but no one told us to stay out of the empty classrooms, and apparently no one was smart enough to lock them.  So sometimes we played school.  Cas, of course, always wanted to be the teacher.  I let him since he knew more stuff than I did, and for the most part we had fun.  Until the day he decided to ditch me. 

 

It was the Easter break right after my 5th birthday and we were playing hide and go seek in the relatively empty classrooms and hallways.  We were 1 floor up from Naomi’s office, and I wasn’t all that familiar with the departments up here, but Cas was.  It was my turn to hide, so I ran off, found an empty classroom, and ducked inside.  There was a cabinet at the back of the room where I was able to wedge myself behind it.  Unless someone came right over, I wasn’t going to be found.  I was excited.  Cas always found me pretty fast and I wanted him to have to work for it for once.  Every time I heard people pass by out in the hall, I went silent.  No way did I want to give my position away.  I was getting really good at this game and I wanted Cas to really have to look for me this time.  Except 5 minutes passed and the door never opened.  Then 10 minutes.  By the time I’d been hiding 15 minutes I was starting to get scared.  I didn’t want to play anymore.  I wanted my mom.  My heart was pounding in my chest as I crawled out from behind the cabinet.  I went to the door and cracked it open.  The hall was empty save for a few open office doors across the hall. 

 

“Cas?”  I called.  He didn’t answer so I stepped out of the classroom.

 

“Cas!”

 

Tears were stinging at my eyes as the terror washed over me.  I raced around the entire floor calling his name, but he never answered.  I was alone.  Cas had left me.  _Cas had left me!_   I burst into tears as I made my way around again.  Each floor was circular in design, with the classrooms in the center and the offices and elevators on the outer walls.  I circled the floor a handful of times before my crying drew attention.  A lady I vaguely recognized from doing a mail delivery with my mom’s coworker Ted came over and crouched down in front of me.

 

“Honey, are you lost?” 

 

I just cried harder.  I really, _really_ wanted my mom.  Thankfully she recognized me.

 

“Dean?”

 

I nodded.  “I want my mommy!”

 

“Did she bring you up here?”  She asked.  I shook my head.

 

“N-no, I was playing with Cas ‘n he forgots me!”

 

“Oh…Castiel, Naomi’s son.”

 

The way she said it told me she was more than familiar with Cas.  And even at 5 I figured this probably wasn’t the first time he’d done this.  I sniffled as she pulled a tissue out of her pocket and wiped at my eyes.

 

“Don’t cry, sweetheart, I’ll take you down to your mommy, ok?”

 

I nodded eagerly and took her hand.  She led me to the elevator and took me down to the basement, and to the mailroom where I cried again the moment I spotted my mom.  I flew into her arms, thankful to be hugged tight.

 

“Mommy!  He forgots me!”  I sobbed. 

 

It took her a good 10 minutes to calm me down but once she did she was on the phone calling Naomi.  My mom was none too pleased, and by the end of the call I suspected Cas was in big trouble.  I was glad.

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

Cas got chewed out and grounded by his mother for ditching me.  Turns out his brother Gabe used to do that to him, and he saw an opportunity to do it to someone younger.  He was punished and I didn’t see him for a while.  Then summer came.  The routine of going to preschool in the morning followed by my mom picking me up and bringing me back to the mailroom on her lunch break continued, though I didn’t see Cas again until summer break, when he was out of school.  He came down on his own to seek me out and I had mostly forgotten him ditching me, so I was happy to have him back so we could play.  I had new toys I’d brought, and to my joy, he’d brought some of his own.  We spent the first few weeks playing in the basement, but then it was getting dull for Cas.  We had played with my toys, colored, explored, and played every game either of us could think up, but he wanted to explore campus some more.  It took a lot of persuading and sweet talking my mom to get her to relent to letting him take me on his mission of exploration.  He had to promise to hold my hand and keep me in sight at all times.  He promised he absolutely would.

 

The moment we were out of my mother’s sight, he dropped my hand.

 

“Keep up cause if you get lost this time, it’s not my fault.”  He told me.  I did exactly that.  Gluing myself to his side became my top priority and no matter how much he weaved, how fast he walked, or how he tried to see if he could shake me, he couldn’t.  After a while that little game grew boring and we made our way to the campus library.  It was huge and fascinating, and because the school taught elementary and secondary education, there was a section for children, and we got lost in there, reading and exploring.  It quickly became my favorite place to spend time.  From there we wandered through other buildings, including one that looked like a giant beehive.  I liked standing and looking out the windows at the people walking down below.  Cas liked that too, except he liked to tell me horror stories about the windows breaking and people falling out of them.  He was a punk but I was getting used to his pranks.  I learned quickly what shenanigans were, but I also learned about Cas. 

 

He was the youngest of 6 kids, and his brother Gabe was the next oldest, and he was 4 years older than Cas.  His brothers and sisters didn’t want to make the time for him and his parents were sometimes living together and sometimes not.  He didn’t like his dad because the man never paid him any attention.  Cas confessed that sometimes he did bad things just so his dad would yell at him, because that was the only time he seemed to realize Cas existed.  I told Cas about my dad too.  How he didn’t leave the house anymore, and how he liked his beer.  I told him about my little brother and how I was excited to start kindergarten and that I could already read and write.    We talked about TV shows, games, things we wanted to do when we grew up.  Cas treated me like I was his equal, even if he liked to pull pranks on me.  I never felt like an annoying little kid around him.  He became my best friend.

 

As it often does when you’re a little kid, time seems to both race ahead and lag behind at the same time.  The older we got, the less time we spent together, though getting ditched repeatedly by Cas taught me self-reliance.  I learned how to navigate every single building on the university campus without getting scared or having to run back to my mom if Cas decided to leave.  When he was 12, we were finally permitted to leave campus.  Cas took that much more seriously.  He didn’t see the campus as a threat, everyone that worked there pretty much knew us both by name but out on the streets we had to be careful.  Sometimes we went to the new apartment Cas shared with his mother, his brother Gabe, and his sister Anna.  His parents had split the year before and Naomi was struggling to support the 3 kids she still had at home.  His brother and sister both had jobs so while I had met them, I didn’t really know them all that well.  They were always working or out with friends when Cas and I went to the apartment.  Sometimes we went to the nearby park.  It became fun to try and see who could swing higher (him, his legs were longer and stronger), or if we could get the swing to go all the way around the pole (I like to think we came close, but centrifugal force was not in our favor), or bumming around exploring. 

 

Cas was growing up fast, and I really only got to see him in the summertime, and only when he came to campus or if my mom dropped me off at their apartment.  I wasn’t allowed to walk by myself to their apartment, though more than once I did it anyway without her knowing.  I don’t know at what point Cas became the only reason I really tagged along with my mom to work, but I became painfully aware the year I turned 12 and Naomi invited us over one night for dinner.  Gabe and Anna were both gone by that point, the only child still being at home was Cas, so it was just the 4 of us for dinner that night.  Sam was spending the night with his best friend.  Naomi had some exciting news she wanted to share with my mom.  We showed up and Cas was in a mood.  Nothing really surprising there, except he was more angry than anything.  He dragged me to his room and closed the door.

 

“We’re moving.”  He blurted as soon as the door was shut.

 

“Yeah?  Did your mom find a better apartment?”  I didn’t see moving as that big of a deal.  My dad and mom had split and my mom had moved us into a decent sized apartment closer to the university.  She’d explained that with my dad in and out of hospitals, she couldn’t afford the house on her own.  And so we’d moved.  Overall I was happier without my dad around.  The expression on my friend’s face when he turned to face me was grim.

 

“No, you don’t get it.  My mom got a better job.  _In California_.  That’s why my mom invited you guys over tonight.  To tell you we’re moving at the end of August to California.  I’m already signed up for school and we have an apartment there.  I had no say in any of this, and she won’t let me stay with my dad or one of my brothers.”  He collapsed back on his bed leaving me standing there, numb with shock.  I could see the tears burning in his eyes, though he tried to hide them.  My best friend was moving away.  And not just across town.  He was moving across the country.

 

“I’m never going to see you again, am I?”  I asked.  Cas sat up, sniffling and wiping angrily at his eyes.

 

“We can still write and stuff.  I’m not going to lose touch with my friends here.  Fuck, I have a girlfriend!  I haven’t told her yet.  She’s going to be so pissed!”

 

I honestly couldn’t give a crap about his girlfriend.  I was upset for my own reasons.  Maybe….

 

“Maybe I could come visit.”  I knew that wasn’t likely.  My mother was struggling financially.  She tried to hide it from me, but I saw her late at night, fretting over the bills.  There would never be enough money for me to go all the way to California.  If I wanted to get there, it would have to be on my own dime, and that wasn’t happening anytime soon.  Cas knew this too.  He rolled his eyes and fell back on the bed again.

 

“I hate my life.”  He whined.

 

We stayed quiet, him brooding, me thinking, and a while later his mom came to get us.  My mom was sitting at the table and from the look on her face, I knew she was already aware of Naomi’s news.

 

“Are you alright, sweetheart?”  She asked me as I sat down next to her.

 

“No.”  I replied honestly.  Because I wasn’t.  She ran her fingers through my hair but didn’t say anything else.  There was nothing she could say that would keep my best friend from leaving.

 

Naomi was cheery as she served the food.  She’d made burgers, my favorite, but I could barely bring myself to take a single bite. 

 

“So I’ll be making roughly triple what I’m currently making.  I need the extra money, and the job security.  It’s a good job.”  Naomi said it in such a way that it was like she was trying to convince us that she’d made the best possible decision, even as she was wracked with self-doubt.

 

“More money is good.  Job security is good.  You’re making the right decision.”  My mom told her.  I could hear the sadness in her voice.  I wanted to argue, but I knew it was what was best for Naomi, and in the end for Cas as well.  I’d been told by my mom, my grandfather, and even my dad’s best friend Bobby that I was pretty grown up for my age, but I sort of had to be.  Without my dad around, my mom needed me.  My brother needed me. 

 

“That’s what I keep telling Castiel.  He thinks he’s the only one that is leaving things behind, but he’s not.  I do hope you’ll be able to come and visit.  I don’t want to lose touch with you.  You’ve been one of my dearest friends, Mary.”  Naomi had tears in her eyes and when I looked at my own mom, I saw she had tears too.  Looking over at Cas wasn’t any better.  He was near tears again.  Our lives were changing, and it wasn’t for the better as far as I was concerned.

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

I spent as much time as I could at Cas’ place until they had to go.  It was an awful summer and when I started back to school, I felt numb.  I’d gotten a call and 2 letters from Cas and my mom had gotten several calls from Naomi.  Life went on as usual though.  I kept writing to my friend but the letters I got back were few and far between.  It wasn’t until my 14th birthday that I realized it had been more than 6 months since I had heard from Cas.  Naomi still called and wrote my mom regularly, though with much less frequency than in the beginning.  By the time I was 18, we got a Christmas card once a year with an update.  It seemed that Naomi had met a man, gotten remarried to him, gotten pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were born, her new husband cut out on her.  Cas was gone away to college, something he hadn’t written to tell me, and she was alone, trying to raise newborn twins on her own.  I felt awful for her and my mom worried incessantly about her friend and the babies, but I didn’t know what, if anything we’d be able to do.  My dad was staying with us again and draining our finances as well as my mother’s sanity.  I knew things were going to come to a head soon, and I was hoping to be gone to college by the time that happened.

 

I was in my junior year of college on the east coast when out of the blue one Saturday afternoon, I got a call from my mother.  She sounded excited and I was curious as to why.

 

“What has you so happy, ma?”  I set aside the paper I’d been working on in favor of talking to my mother.

 

“Oh, Dean!  You’ll never guess who moved back to Chicago!” 

 

“Please don’t say dad.”  I joked.  My parents had finally split for good, and my mother had filed for divorce 2 years earlier.  It took that and being permanently kicked out of the family home that spurred my father into rehab.  He’d finally gotten sober and started rehab, but what really ticked me off was that rather than coming and trying to prove his worth to us, he’d met a woman named Kate and gotten her pregnant.  Sam refused to talk to him anymore and I only did when I absolutely had to, like when he called at Christmas or my birthday.

 

“No, not your father.”  Her happy tone turned bitter for a moment.  “Naomi is back.  She came back with the babies and took a position at another university.  I’m going tomorrow to see her, and Sammy’s coming with me.”

 

I was a bit in shock.  Naomi was back?

 

“What about Cas?  Did he come back too?”

 

“No, honey, Cas has a place out there in California.  Naomi says he’s married, has a family of his own now.” 

 

I was a little disappointed that he’d never called or written me to tell me any of that. 

 

“Whatever.  He hasn’t called or written me in years anyway.  Good for him.” 

 

“Oh, honey.  I’ll talk to Naomi, see what she says.”  I hated the sympathy in her voice.  I didn’t need it.  So what if my former best friend didn’t want me in his life still? 

 

“Don’t worry about it.  I wasn’t important enough to keep in contact with, and I don’t have time for that now anyway.  I’ve got a year left, and then I have to decide what I’m going to do about my masters.  I have enough on my plate for now.”  I didn’t have time to dwell on old friends.  Cas wasn’t the only one that had moved on.

 

I talked to my mom for another 10 minutes, telling her about my classes, a guy I’d been thinking about asking out, how hard a recent psych test I’d taken was, and she told me how Sam was doing at school, about a date she’d recently gone on that had led to a request for a 2nd date, and then we were hanging up.  Unlike some guys that couldn’t get far enough away from their parents after high school, I actually missed my mom and brother terribly and couldn’t wait to be back in Chicago permanently.  I had decided on a degree in medicine, but what I couldn’t decide on was whether I wanted to go into surgery or psychiatry.  My studies were my primary focus.  My plan was to finish up my BA and head to UIC to complete my masters and doctorate. 

 

I didn’t really give another thought to Naomi, or to Cas for a long, long time after that.  My mom reconnected with her old friend and was even made the babies’ godmother, something my mother was so incredibly happy about.  I moved back to Chicago after graduation and then started on the long and time consuming task of getting my medical degree.  I met a guy, dated for a while, he cheated, we broke up, and life still went on.  Then the internet happened.

 

Sam had saved up and bought our mom a brand new computer.  He was still living at home and after finishing up with his law degree, decided to spoil our mom a bit.  They had internet running to the house and my mother discovered the joy of online games.  She emailed her friends in her free time, and she emailed me, even though I was only a few minutes away.  I loved her though, so I didn’t mind.  Every Saturday my mother, brother and I got together for brunch, until I started my residency.  Then we had to aim for days when I had off.  But I always made time for my family. 

 

I earned my degree and took a position at a hospital in the suburbs.  When I was in my residency, I met the man I would come to spend the next 8 years of my life with.  Marriage wasn’t an option at that time though, so we had to settle for buying a house together and sharing our lives.  It didn’t last though.  Work came between us, and then a woman did.  There was no fixing things after that.  I kicked him out of the house and took him to court.  In the end, we sold the house, split our assets, and I took a position at a different hospital, closer to my mother.  I bought a new house and settled into a new life on my own.

 

In 2007 my brother talked me in to joining a social media site called Facebook.  He and my mother both loved it, and as I soon found out, so did most of my family and friends.  I started my own but I wasn’t on it a whole lot.  In 2009, out of the blue, Naomi sent me a friend request. She had finally joined the bandwagon after being pressured into starting one, and my mother and myself were 2 of the first people she added.  That was the first time I’d gotten to see pictures of her or any of her kids in over a decade. 

 

Of course I went searching for pictures of Cas.  I couldn’t help it.  A part of me still missed my old friend, and I wanted to know how he was doing.  What I did know, I’d heard through my mother.  Cas had married his college sweetheart and had kids.  I couldn’t remember how many, and was living still in California.  Last I’d heard he was happy and doing well.  I was happy for him.

 

The pictures I found of Cas took my breath away.  The slightly pudgy teenager with the pencil mustache and greasy hair had become a bronze _god_.  His smile alone sent my stomach flipping.  There were pictures of him on the beach with 3 kids, all with blonde hair and blue eyes.  They were beautiful, and there was no doubt they were Cas’, even if their blonde hair was in stark contrast to his dark (and still messy) locks.  I scrolled through every picture I could find of my old friend, but nowhere did I see any with his wife.  It took an hour and a half of scrolling through pics before I realized that not in a single picture was he wearing a wedding ring.  Was he divorced? 

 

I saw that he was tagged to some of the pictures so I went to his profile.  It listed his occupation as a director.  That sort of took me by surprise, but at the same time it really didn’t.  He’d been obsessed with movies and one of his constant complaints when we were kids was that movies were too predictable.  I’d been in agreement back then.  Apparently he’d decided to make his own movies.  There was not really much personal info listed, so I sent him a friend request.  I hoped he would remember me.

 

It took the better part of 3 days before I saw that not only had my friend request been accepted, but he had sent me a message.  When I opened it, there was a brief message and a telephone number telling me to call him the moment I got the message.  He didn’t care what time of the day or night it was.  That made me chuckle.  It was 3pm my time on a Thursday.  I dialed the number, my stomach in knots as it rang.

 

“Hello?”  A deep, rumbling voice I didn’t really recognize asked when the line connected.

 

“Cas?”

 

“Who is this?”

 

“Cas, if this is you, you told me to call you, any time, day or night.”  I said.  There was a pause and then a sharp intake of air on the other end of the line.

 

“Dean?”

 

“Nice to know you remembered my name.”  I couldn’t resist ribbing him.  The bastard deserved it.  The laugh on the other end of the line told me he knew it too.

 

“Yeah, I was a shitty friend.  Took me a long time to grow up.  I’m sorry I didn’t get back in touch.  With Facebook and stuff, I should have looked you up sooner.  I only just found out yesterday that my own mother had you added as a friend.”

 

“Yeah, she added me not all that long ago.  I can’t believe the twins are already in college.  Where the hell has the time gone?”  It felt like only yesterday we’d been sprawled across Cas’ bed listening to Prince or The Thompson Twins as we flipped through comic books. 

 

“I wish I knew.  Mom tells me you’re a doctor.  I spent this morning flipping through your Facebook pics like some creepy stalker.  Sorry about that.  I wanted at least a little heads up on your life.  You didn’t list very much though, even after I accepted your friend request.  So talk to me, what has Dr. Dean Winchester been up to all these years?  And how is the family?”  He asked.

 

I sighed.  Where to start?

 

“Well, my folks finally divorced, my dad has a longtime girlfriend and another son, but I don’t really talk to my dad anymore.  My brother’s a pretty cool kid though, and I don’t blame him.  Dad’s girlfriend Kate is nice too.  Uh, Sammy got his law degree and he’s married.  Has his 2nd baby on the way in October.  He and his wife actually bought a house, moved my mom in with them, and now that she’s retired, she’s doting on her grandson.  New baby’s a girl.  As for me, I graduated with doctorate and I’m a surgeon at St. Luke’s downtown.  I am not married.  I was in an almost 10 year relationship that ended badly and I really haven’t had the time to look for something new.”  I skirted the part where I was gay.  His mom had probably told him anyway.

 

“My mom says you were with a man.  That true?”  He asked. 

 

“Yeah.”  No use denying it.  If he was homophobic, I could end the call, unfriend him on Facebook, and continue on with my life.  It would hurt, but I’d be alright.

 

“Shit, that is awesome.  I realized I was gay kind of late.  Like, 10 years into my marriage and 3 kids, late.  My wife and I stuck it out a few more years, mostly because neither of us wanted to explain to our families why we wanted to get a divorce, but…she met someone and wanted to marry him, so we had an amicable divorce, split everything 50/50, divided custody, and she’s one of my best friends in the world now.  I have not found someone I want to truly spend my life with.  Kids make that kind of hard.”  He laughed nervously.  I could honestly picture him sitting on the other end of the line running his fingers through that mop he called hair.  It brought a smile to my face.

 

“You really grew up, Cas.  I saw pics of you on your mom’s wall.  I’ll have to look on yours now that you added me.  How old are your kids?”  

 

“Connor is 21, Claire is 19, and Hayden is 18.”  He replied.  Two girls and a boy.  I smiled so wide me cheeks were starting to ache.

 

“They’re beautiful kids.”  I told him. 

 

“Thank you.  Say, I’m going to be in Chicago next week shooting a movie.  We have to catch up.  Can I take you to lunch?”  He asked. 

 

“You better.  You owe me over 2 decades of conversation and catching up.”  I was thrilled.  “Where are you staying when you’re here?”

 

“A rented condo on Sheridan.  I forget the name.  That reminds me, I need to get my assistant to make sure she booked the top floor…”  He said absently.  I knew he was planning his trip in his head.  “Unless she has thought ahead and done it already.  I swear, I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached, and unfortunately my assistant is almost as big of an airhead as I am.”

 

“Forget the condo.  Book it for your staff or whatever, but you come stay at my house.  How long are you in town for?”  I selfishly wanted time with my old friend.

 

“Dean, we’re going to be in town for at least 6 months.  I can’t impose like that.  I declined staying with my mother for that reason.” 

 

“I don’t give a shit, Cas.  I have the space.  Come and stay with me.”  I pleaded.

 

“Let me talk to my assistant.  I’ll get back to you, ok?”  I could tell he was smiling, it showed in his voice.

 

“Yeah, ok.  So tell me, what else is going on in your life?”  I wanted to know everything.

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

Cas’ assistant was an absolute airhead, but she had booked the top floor like he’d wanted.  It was a series of condos in an old building on Sheridan.  I met up with Cas the day he arrived in the city.  It was 3 days after Christmas and I was standing in his mother’s living room when he came striding through the door.  The man was even more gorgeous in person and it actually took my breath away.  I knew I was staring but so was he. 

 

“Damn, Dean, you really grew up.”  He murmured after finally releasing me from the bear hug he’d pulled me into as soon as he was through the door.  “I can’t believe you ended up taller than me.  That’s not fair.”

 

I couldn’t help but laugh.  I did indeed seem to have at least 2 or 3 inches up on him.

 

“Sammy’s even taller than me.”  I told him.  He looked stricken by that news.

 

“No fair!  I didn’t even hit 6ft!”

 

“It’s alright, what you lack in height you more than made up for in looks.”  I couldn’t believe those words had actually come out of my mouth, and I didn’t miss Naomi’s little giggle as she left to go get drinks for us.  Cas cocked an eyebrow and grinned.  He didn’t even try to hide the fact that he was checking me out either.

 

“So what’s your excuse?  You got the looks _and_ the height.  Feels a bit like I still got the short end of the stick.”

 

I laughed and moved over to the couch to sit down.  He came and sat down next to me.  I tell you, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, trying not to stare.  It was clear he worked out.  I did sneak a peek when he crossed his legs, but I wasn’t checking out his junk.  I was too busy staring at his thighs.  They were strong, thick, and I realized I had the hots for my friend.  Awkward.

 

Naomi returned with tea and handed us both a cup.

 

“Dean is single.”  She said as she sat down in one of the armchairs across from us.  I’m a grown ass man but damnit, I blushed.  Cas chuckled, that eyebrow arching again as he turned those blue eyes on me again.

 

“So I hear.”  The rumble of his voice this close up sent chills through me.

 

“Cas is single too.  Since the divorce.”  Naomi added.  There was entirely too much glee in the woman’s voice.

 

“I already told him that, mom.  You don’t have to play matchmaker.  We’re catching up since I was a dumbass and didn’t keep in touch like I had promised I would.  Let us reacquaint ourselves and remember why we were such good friends, despite the age difference.”  He spoke with affection in his voice, not with the teenage contempt that he’d once had for her.  I was happy to see that part of him was long gone.  She smiled sweetly at us.

 

“I told Mary, you 2 would make such a cute couple.  She agrees.  We meant to put you boys back in touch, but with grandkids, sicknesses, and everything else going on in our lives, it sort of slipped both of our minds.  I’m glad you found your way back to each other though.” 

 

“Me too, Naomi.”  I told her, even though I couldn’t take my eyes off Cas.  It didn’t look like he could take his off me either.  “Me too.”

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

Cas spent about a week in the condo before showing up on my doorstep one Saturday night.  I had just gotten off a 48 hour rotation and I was exhausted but seeing him there chased all of that away. 

 

“Hello, Dean.”  He greeted me.  I could see the exhaustion in his eyes too. 

 

“Hey, Cas.  Come on in.” 

 

He motioned to the bag in his hands.  “It’s still ok if I stay here?  We had more crew arrive, and space is limited.  I don’t want to put them up in a hotel, so I gave them my condo.”

 

“I told you it was.  I won’t always be home, my hours fluctuate.  I just got off a 48 hour rotation.  I have the next 24 hours off.  So you know, if I’m not here for a day or 2, I’m at the hospital.”  I was babbling, it was the exhaustion, but Cas was busy setting his bag down and stripping out of his coat, nodding as he listened.

 

“I still can’t believe you became a doctor.  I expected you to go into art, maybe write your own comics or something.”  He grinned.  “Did you eat yet?”

 

“No, I just got home.”  I motioned towards my disheveled clothes. 

 

“I’ll order us food.  You go on, shower, relax.”  He shooed me away and I wasn’t going to argue.  I needed a shower and to get out of my clothes. 

 

The hot water felt fantastic and after I was clean, I changed into my favorite pair of flannel pajama pants and an old, well worn AC/DC tee shirt before heading across the hall to the one spare bedroom to change the bedding.  That’s where I still was when he came looking for me.

 

“Dean?”

 

“In here!”

 

“Here, let me help.”  He grabbed the other side of the new fitted sheet and together we got it on the bed.  From there putting clean blankets on was easy.

 

“You didn’t have to change the bedding.”  He told me.

 

“No one ever really comes to stay, and I realized that I hadn’t changed the sheets in probably a year.  You deserve better than that.”  I said as I gathered up the dirty linens.

 

“You know, it’s kind of surreal being back here.  And what’s even weirder is spending time at your place instead of having you over at mine.”  He followed me to the laundry room, though I saw him stop briefly to look into my bedroom, since the door stood open.

 

“If you’re feeling nostalgic, I have Prince and Culture Club albums.”  I laughed as I tossed the linens into one of the baskets by the washer.  He chuckled and there was a deep fondness in his eyes.  I started walking back towards the living room and suddenly he was pouring his heart out as he fell in step beside me.

 

“You know, I missed you after we moved.  A lot.  I used to tell myself you were too young to be my best friend, but you were more mature than most of the people that I went to school with.  I’m still kicking myself for not keeping in touch.  If it’s any consolation, I was really bad at picking up the phone to call people, and I was worse with writing letters.  I went through a huge asshole phase.  I felt invisible.  My brothers and sisters that were older than me, they had other things to do, and my mom was busy fighting with my dad, trying to keep my brother Gabe out of trouble, then Anna got pregnant and got into drugs, and I just…didn’t feel like anyone cared.  So I sort of gave up.  I did mediocre in school because I didn’t care whether I passed or failed.  Then my mom met Chuck.  He was nice, treated me well, but best of all, he paid me the attention that I craved so badly.  They said they had no plans to have kids, but then my mom turned up pregnant.  Once the twins came, I sort of ceased to exist again.  I had at least gotten myself into college by that point.  It took a long time before I started to feel again like I mattered.  I met Meg my sophomore year and she made me feel like I was important, and I needed that.  I sort of latched on to her, even though I was struggling with how I felt.  I thought I was in love with her.  And maybe I was a little.  Then she got pregnant with Connor.  I had to grow up real quick.  I was married and a father by 20.  Meg’s parents helped us out a lot and made it possible for us to both continue with college.  After we graduated, Claire was born, and then 9 months later, Hayden came.  We decided we were done having kids at that point.  I focused on my career, she focused on hers, and I didn’t pay attention to what I was actually feeling for my wife.”

 

“What changed?  How did you realize you were gay?”  I was curious, so sue me.

 

We moved to the couch and sat down together.

 

“Well, honestly, we were watching this movie.  I don’t even remember the name of it, but this woman comes out, she’s dressed in lacy underwear and a matching bra, and rather than find her attractive or imagine myself having sex with her, which, from what my straight friends tell me, should have been my expected response, I instead thought to myself how convenient it was that this girl was supposed to be a struggling college student, and yet she had matching bras and panties.  I noticed that 3 more times in the movie.  I mentioned it to Meg and she said she had noticed that too.  Later, she asked me if I had found the woman attractive.  If I’m being honest, I don’t even remember what the woman looked like.  So I told her as much.  Meg found that a little odd but didn’t bring it up right away.  Later, we watched another movie and she made a comment about how attractive the male lead was.  So I took a good look at him and…”  Cas huffed out a small laugh. 

 

“I take it he was attractive?”  I asked, chuckling.

 

“It was Gerard Butler, and hell _yes_ he was attractive.  It sent my head spinning.  I didn’t exactly freak out at first.  Instead I started looking up actors and stuff online, making notes of who I found attractive and well, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out I was attracted to men, not women.  I started reevaluating my marriage.  Meg and I hadn’t slept together in a few years at that point.  It was more like I was living with my best friend, sharing a bed, a life together, but I realized there really hadn’t been any romance between us.  No spark.  So I brought it up to her.  I’ve always been open and honest with her.  It was a big reason why our marriage worked so well.  She wasn’t surprised and she admitted that she had suspected I was gay for a while.  At that point I thought I was just bi, but she helped me realize that no, I’m gay.  After we divorced she actually set me up on my first date with another man.  We went out for a couple of months and it was all very easy with him.  Easier than it had been with Hannah or Audrey back in high school, and easier than it had been even with Meg.  But he was a selfish dick, didn’t like the fact that I had kids, and I figured out that he was only dating me so I’d put him in a movie.  For the record, I did not.”  He crossed his legs and turned more so he was facing me.  “What about you?  When did you know?”

 

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  It wasn’t like this was the first time I’d had this conversation. 

 

“I knew around the time I hit puberty.  This girl Lisa asked me out.  She had apparently gushed to all of her friends about how cute she thought I was, and how she wished I’d ask her out, but I didn’t like her like that.  When I didn’t ask her out, she asked me to homecoming.  I figured why not?  We went, we danced, then the star quarterback for the junior/senior varsity football team walks in and…I couldn’t take my eyes off him.  I must not have been discreet because I caught him smiling and winking at me several times.  The last hour before the dance ended, I went to use the bathroom and he followed.  That was my first kiss.”  I hesitated, smirking as I met Cas’ gaze.  “First bj too.” 

 

His eyes widened in shock. 

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Yeah.  Dated him for the next 2 years too.”  I replied.  I had fond memories of Benny.

 

“What happened to Lisa?”  He asked.

 

“I told her there wouldn’t be a second date.  She was mad about it, tried to spread rumors about me that came back to bite her in the butt after… _other_ rumors came to light that made her out to be a liar.  Sort of ruined her own rep on that one.  She got herself knocked up senior year and dropped out.  Not even sure who the dad was.  I saw her at our high school reunion and she looks good.  Tried being real sweet to me, I think because she was hoping I’d “outgrown” my gay phase.  I had to let her down gently.” 

 

Cas laughed hard at that and I found myself joining in.  It felt good.  I hadn’t laughed like that in years.

 

“I admire that, you know.  That you figured yourself out early on.  I don’t know how I was so damn oblivious to everything for so long.”  He ran his teeth over his lower lip as I watched, and I knew he was thinking about something.  His eyes met mine again and I tried my hardest not to shiver from the intensity of his stare.

 

“Can I tell you something?”

 

“Sure.”  I replied.

 

“So my mom came to visit me last year, when Claire was graduating high school, and she brought like, 3 photo albums jam packed full of pictures.  All of my nieces and nephews that I don’t get to see, the twins, my brothers and sisters, the usual.  Then she hands me this picture of this like, gorgeous guy.  Asks me if I recognized him.”  He smiled somewhat nervously.  “I admit, I kept staring for a good couple of minutes.  I knew who it was, I was just…in shock.”

 

My heart raced.  I had sensed the sexual tension between us the weekend before at his mom’s house, and there had been some light flirting via text between then and now, but hearing him say he thought I was gorgeous?  Yeah, that does wonders for a guy’s ego.  I decided to play along.  Leaning back I crossed my legs and spread my arms out across the back of the couch.  I was aware of the way his eyes tracked every movement I made.

 

“Oh, yeah?  Don’t think you did anything about it though, did you.”  I said.  Cas frowned, his eyes dropping to his hands which he folded in his lap.

 

“No, I…was so ashamed of how I’d treated him that I didn’t think he’d want to hear from me.  So I told myself that I’d wait, let him contact me first.  And then he did.  Thought my heart was going to leap into my throat.”  He looked up, smiling.  God he was beautiful.  The obnoxious kid that had ditched me in classrooms, told me horror stories about falling out of windows and then moved away and lost touch had grown into the most beautiful and amazing man I had ever seen.  The fact that he was remorseful for letting more than 2 decades pass without so much as a hello between us helped me forgive him.  I decided to see where he was going with his little confession.

 

“So, he contacted you.  Then what?”

 

“Then I found myself apologizing over and over again for being such an asshole.”  He replied.  I nodded along.  Ok…

 

“And now?”

 

“Now, I just want to kiss the hell out of him.  Maybe see if there could be something beyond just friendship between us.” 

 

I don’t think I have ever been so nervous in my entire life as I was in that moment, save for something that came along later than this, but that’s not a part of this story. 

 

“I think your chances are good for both.  But long distance romances don’t often work.”  I wanted something more but frankly I’d never done anything long distance before.

 

“Then we’d have to fix things so it wasn’t long distance.”  He was close enough that I could feel the fingers now caressing my knee and his breath against my lips. 

 

“Fucking kiss me, Cas.”  It came out as a growl as I buried my fingers in his hair and dragged him that last inch until our mouths met.  He melted against me even as his lips parted to let me in.  The way my body tingled, I’d never felt anything like that before.  I sighed when he climbed into my lap and I dropped my leg back to the floor so he could straddle me. 

 

Not having had much time to watch a whole lot of movies, and not really paying attention to _who_ made them, I was, at that moment, clueless about the fact that I had one of Hollywood’s hottest up and coming directors with his tongue down my throat and his hands up my shirt.  Not that his social status meant jack to me.  He was Cas, gorgeous, wonderful, and at least for that night, mine.  All I cared about was the feel of his body in my hands.  I felt giddy as I gripped his thighs, feeling the strength of the muscles as he shifted his hips forward.  I’d had _dreams_ about those thighs, and now they were in my hands. 

 

“Dean…” 

 

I don’t think my name had ever sounded so good.  The moan that escaped my lips was unpreventable.  All I wanted was to hear him saying my name over and over and…

 

“Fuck, Dean, I swear I didn’t come over here just for sex.”  He was panting and I could feel how hard he was.  I grabbed his ass and pulled him down tight against me.  I needed him to know the effect he was having on me, how bad I wanted him.  Then his words filtered through.  I couldn’t resist teasing him.

 

“ _Just_ for sex?”  I grinned, and then laughed when he rolled his eyes.

 

“You’re still messing with me.”

 

“Do you want me to stop?”  I asked.  He smiled and leaned forward to kiss the corner of my mouth.  It was such a gentle gesture, and so unlike the old Cas that I used to know that it totally threw me for a moment.

 

“I wouldn’t want to change anything about you.” 

 

I realized that while we had grown up, matured, changed, the core of who we were, the things that had drawn us to one another so many years ago and had helped us to forge a friendship, they still remained.  His dry sense of humor, my sarcastic nature, they were still there.  I knew he wasn’t looking to change me, but to better understand me.  I wanted the same thing with him.  He was so different from the moody, withdrawn teenager I had known so long ago.  I realized that the main difference was that now?  He was happy.  I wanted to be someone that continued to make him happy.

 

“Cas-”

 

The delivery guy with our food chose that moment to arrive.  With a heavy sigh Cas climbed off my lap.  After a quick adjustment to the rather obvious erection in his jeans, he went to answer the door.  I was left sitting there, contemplating what exactly I wanted to do after we had eaten, and how far I wanted to take things.  I liked Cas.  There was potential for more than that but he lived in California and I lived in Illinois. 

 

“Is your mom still working at the university?” 

 

I was pulled out of my thoughts as Cas sat down again beside me. 

 

“No, mom retired about 10 years ago.”  I knew when his mom had returned to Chicago she had taken a position at a much smaller university, but in a higher position so the pay was better.  I remember wishing she had found that position before she’d left for California when my mom had told me she was back.  It was water under the bridge now though.  She was back, Cas was in my life again, and potentially in a different capacity than when we had been kids.

 

I thought back to my childhood.  I’d been a pretty oblivious kid.  I had friends but my focus growing up had been to keep my little brother safe, to take care of my mother, and to keep my grades up in school.  I tried to remember if I’d had a crush on Cas.  Hell, I tried to remember if I’d had a crush on _anyone_.  Really, the answer to that was no.  Until I hit high school and was right about 14, I had never really looked at another person.  Not even Cas.

 

“I keep trying to reconcile the Dean I used to know when I was a kid with the man sitting next to me now.  It’s a little disconcerting.  I can see the physical differences, but there’s so much more to it.  You’re not the same snot nosed kid following me around, trying to impress me.  I knew you wanted my approval and acceptance, but seriously, you had that pretty early on.  You really didn’t have to try so hard.  I liked you.  I know I didn’t say it back then but you really were my best friend.  You didn’t judge me like everyone else did but most importantly, you saw me when no one else did.  Even my own family overlooked me.”  He leaned against my side as he opened the bags of food and pulled out a familiarly wrapped item.   “Burgers still your favorite?”

 

I smiled as I accepted it.  “Hell yeah, they’re my favorite.”  He smiled back and leaned in a bit more.

 

“Thought they might be.”

 

“If I was so important to you and you knew I cared, why did you stop writing?”  I was still hurt over that.  I’d spent years mourning the loss that was my best friend.

 

“I holed myself away and shut everyone out, Dean.  My mom, my stepdad, my brothers and sisters.  You know, I nearly flunked myself out of school.  Not even my mom knows that I was close to killing myself.” 

 

I set the unopened burger aside and pulled him into my arms.

 

“Cas, I wish you had reached out to me, had just called me or written me.  Were you trying at all?  I don’t remember anything in your letters…”  I suddenly felt like I was the shitty friend HeHfor not seeing… _something_.  His head came to rest on my shoulder as he dug into the bag and pulled out a container of fries.

 

“Nah.  I shut you out because I knew you would tell your mom, and she would then tell my mom.  Don’t worry, a professor I had my first year of college recognized the symptoms of my depression and he helped me get into therapy.  I’m better now.  Took me a little while to get there, but I am, I promise.”  He tilted his head back and smiled but I was busy replaying everything I remembered over and over in my head.  He had been showing classic symptoms, the same ones as my own father, and I had completely missed them.  I didn’t know I was crying until his hands were on my cheeks, wiping away my tears. 

 

“Dean, it wasn’t your fault.  I promise it wasn’t.  I found out some things, after I left.  My dad?  He’s struggled his entire life with depression.  He was diagnosed some time after he abandoned our family as being bipolar.  There were a few other issues too, but those were less problematic for him.  He got help, got on medication, and called each and every one of his kids.  Turns out my brother Gabe is bipolar too, and my sister Anna was diagnosed with severe depression.  So was I.  I got on medication and after a few adjustments I started to do better in school, I was making friends, I met Meg…”

 

He pressed a chaste kiss to my lips.  “By that time I felt guilty.  All of my old friends, I didn’t think they’d recognize the new me.  I was afraid you’d pass judgement on me and not like me anymore.  So…I left everything behind.”

 

“Why come back into my life then?  I never would have pushed you away like you did to me, Cas.  I was your friend.  You were my best friend.  I was so angry when you stopped writing.  I told my mom after 2 years of not hearing from you that if she got any news, I didn’t want to hear it.  Mostly she respected my wishes, though I heard about your wedding, and later she told me you had kids.  I didn’t want to hear anything more though.  I just wanted to get on with my life, and I did.  If you’re just looking to just sweep in here, fuck with my feelings, and then go back to California…”

 

That was my biggest fear.  I saw the potential for something good between us.  Something real, but I wasn’t going to let him or anyone else hurt me.  His hands tightened their grip so that I was forced to look him in the eye.

 

“Dean, I will say this once, so you better be listening carefully.  I fucked up.  Me, not you.  I know that I did, and I know that I hurt you.  I’ll be sorry for that for the rest of my life.  But I do not want a quick fuck.  You were the only person I ever truly felt comfortable with in my entire life, besides maybe my kids, and I want you back in my life.  Being around you though, I realize that maybe I’m being selfish, but I want more than just my old friend back.  I think, that if you gave me a chance, I could make you happy.  You always made me happy.  You still do.  I know, I live in California and you live here, but fuck, Dean, we can figure that out!  I’ll move here, if that’s what you want.”

 

He was promising things to me that not even Benny would have ever said, and he looked at me like he was in love.  I was confused, scared, but worse of all, I was uncertain.  I brought my hands up to cover his.

 

“Cas, we will take this one day at a time.  We’ve been back in touch for a week.  You’re talking like you’re in love with me, and we really don’t even know each other anymore.  I’m not the same kid I was.  Sure, you can still recognize me from that time in my life, but seriously, I’m a different person.  I would like to have you in my life, but I want the things I haven’t been allowed to have.  Marriage, kids, a family of my own, and I refuse to just jump into that.  If you’re serious, we are taking this slow, and doing it one day at a time.  Just like we built up to our friendship when we were kids.  I want to learn everything about the new you, and then have the chance to fall in love with you.  What do you say?”

 

I watched the tears as they slipped down his cheeks.  He nodded eagerly and I wrapped him up in my arms. 

 

“I missed you, Dean.”  He murmured just barely loud enough for me to hear.  I hugged him tighter.

 

“I missed you too.”

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

And just like that, Cas was back in my life.  He stayed with me on and off for the next 8 months, as production went longer than expected after they had hit some snags with permits and wages, and we did exactly as we had talked about.  We took the time to get to know one another all over again.  At least this time he wasn’t ditching me just for the fun of it, or telling me horror stories about falling out of windows.  No, we talked about our lives, his children, my ex, his ex, our jobs, our passions, our desires, and it really didn’t take me long at all to fall in love with him.  I suspect it didn’t take him long either.  The real issues arose when it came time for movie production to wrap up and him to return to California.  He missed his kids, though they had come a few times to visit, and I was torn as to what I really wanted to do.  My family was all here, in Chicago.  His family was spread across most of the US, including his kids.  But his _life_ was back in California.  I could see the emotions warring in his eyes every time he looked at me, in every touch he pleaded with me to stay with him. 

 

I began looking into hospitals out in California, not because he asked me to.  He wouldn’t have.  Any decision I made, he wanted me to make freely, on my own.  He wanted my decision to come to California to be with him _my_ decision.  I loved him a little more for that.  He’d already been back in Cali for a few weeks when I got a job offer from a hospital not far from where he lived.  I decided to surprise him and drove out for the interview.  I went to his house first and the look of absolute joy on his face at seeing me washed away any doubts that I had that this was the right decision. 

 

“What are you doing here?  I’m flying in for Thanksgiving next week!”  He spoke between kisses.  I was barely able to get a breath in between them.

 

“I…have a job interview.”  I confessed.  His eyes widened, making the blue even more intense than usual.

 

“An interview?  Where?  What hospital?  Dean…”  His excitement was starting to rub off on me.

 

“Linden Crest.  It’s a surgery center.” 

 

He was busy pulling me through the house into the living room.  I had been to the house twice already but I continued to be amazed by how simple he lived for someone with as much money as he had.

 

“You’re not jumping on the plastic surgery bandwagon because of me, are you?”  He asked as we sat down on the couch.

 

“No, no, I won’t do plastic surgery.  No interest in it.  They’re considering me for a position in general surgery, except I’ll deal more with adults than children.  I did my residency in general surgery, but over the last 10 years or so I’ve specialized mostly in the pediatric end of the spectrum.  This is opening doors for me, and the pay would be roughly double what I’m currently making.  I’m not sure I could easily survive on my own financially in California though.  It’s pretty damn expensive here.”  I had calculated the costs.  Beverly Hills was ridiculously expensive but there were ways to cut corners if I was careful and frugal.

 

“Baby, no, you don’t have to worry about that.  I want you here, with me.  Or we can get a bigger place, something you’re more comfortable in.  I don’t want you just moving out here to struggle.”  I knew he wasn’t intending to insult me, but it still rubbed me the wrong way just a little.  I didn’t _want_ to be taken care of.  I wanted to take care of myself.  Still, I did want to be with him. 

 

“I like your house, Cas.  I don’t want you selling it just for me.  On that same note though, I don’t want you thinking you have to support me.  I can take care of myself, I’ve been doing it my entire life.  All those times you ditched me when we were playing, I think that’s what helped me learn to take care of myself the most.  I didn’t want to run crying to my mom for everything, so I learned how to take care of my own needs.  I intend to pull my own weight.”

 

He pulled my hand into his lap and held it clasped between both of his own.

 

“Look, Dean, I want this.  I’m absolutely serious about you and me.  If you want to stay in Chicago, to be near your mom and brother, then I’ll move there.  It just means I’ll fly more for work.  If you want to move here, I would absolutely love that, but I can sell this place and we can buy a place together.  The one thing that I am certain about is that I’m not letting you go.  Dean, I love you.  I-I want you in my life for the _rest_ of my life.”

 

“What exactly are you saying, Cas?”  My heart was pounding in my ears.  I knew I was in love, more than I think I’d ever been with anyone in my entire life.  Cas and me, we just _fit_.  He was everything I could have ever wanted, and more.  It was why I had decided to move out here, to leave my family in hopes of starting one of my own.  I knew I wanted to spend my life with Cas.

 

“Dean, marriage is legal in California for everyone.  I’m not saying tomorrow, or even next year, but I want to marry you.” 

 

And damn if I hadn’t waited my whole life to hear someone tell me they needed me like that.

**Author's Note:**

> So yes, the topic was seducing one another but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that seduction isn't always sexual in nature. It's finding something tempting or attractive. So why wouldn't a bolder, older kid that could lead a younger child into a world of mischief be tempting?
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this one. Kudos and comments always welcome.


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